this will be mostly confessional and probably entirely nonsensical.

i tend to have a lot of jumbled thoughts and from time to time, these jumbled thoughts create a knot in my brain. i wouldn’t call it depression or an episode or as some people have commented: “my time of month”. more so, i think it’s just a general malaise that probably occurs because i’m not doing what i’m supposed to be doing.

that sounds overly dramatic. (things tend to take on that tone when i’m mired in this state.) what i mean is, i think God stops me in my tracks every once in awhile, not because my life isn’t good but because He wants more of me. this day-to-day stuff is fine but in it, i often lose my sense for eternal significance. i’m not saying that every moment should have the pressure of eternal consequences. more accurately, i think it happens when i lose my lifestyle of worship. things that i was once very thankful for and processed in prayer and in communion with the Holy Spirit just become routine. isn’t that a darn shame? i’m a spoiled little brat.

looking at my life, i can pretty much say that God has blessed me with everything i could have asked for at this point. but my level of thankfulness is not on par with the level of blessings. as a result, i’ve gradually displaced God on the throne with myself. it’s become all about me and i’m not a very good king. i’m tyrannical, jump to insane conclusions, and am largely negligent of other people’s needs. come to think of it, this just makes me a bad person!

but you see how this becomes about me again? it’s a vicious cycle.

not less of me but more of Him and more of others. i’ve recently become quite entangled with strategizing ways to maximize my financial situation. i’ve found that there are fewer paths that more quickly lead to selfishness and self-absorption than this one. as mundane as it sounds, thoughts of buying a new car to lower monthly payments and paying down my student loans faster have gripped my heart!

anyway, all this to say that a new leaf needs to be turned. John 3:30 relates to all spheres of my life right now.

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